bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
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what my late-night hot pocket sees
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The days of good grammer has went
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.