Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, weâre out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: ITâS 2AM!
I triple waxed for this?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: đł
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
To someone this means âA new startâ. To everyone else, it doesnât.
In the 1990âs we didnât have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didnât look like a serial killer.
* Finds what Iâm looking for
* Canât remember why I was looking
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
and are these âNFTsâ with us in the room right now?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so Iâll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I donât have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.