Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Bringing home a sharpie
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺