Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Name another movie that mislead you?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day