Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Worth the read.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂