ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”