Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Ironic
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.