*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster