Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You Might Also Like
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
This raises questions
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”