The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell