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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
the Monday after daylight savings
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me sliding into hell like
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car