I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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🙂🐾
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Choose your fighter
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.