Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
You Might Also Like
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I drew y’all a little something.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
this is 10/10 content no notes
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know