Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles