[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
best review i’ve ever seen