When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
she has a point
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade