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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured