I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
If only
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Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.