I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*