A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
For the ones in the back.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.