I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…