Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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Happy Taco Tuesday
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?