“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Incredible customer service.
Basketball
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms