[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
i smell a pulitzer
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”