Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine