A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”