Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?