I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You Might Also Like
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
whatcha thinkin bout
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.