You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out