Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
You Might Also Like
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Employees must applaud the planets.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.