Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.