Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.