[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
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If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.