Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.