i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn