Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
You Might Also Like
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
How it started How it’s going
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired