Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?