girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Who.
Did.
This?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
😍😂🥰😂😍
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*