turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What personal space?
My dog
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”