ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
✌🏽
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams