A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.