The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Love is always patient and kind.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.