If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.