Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school