AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
A fake ID that makes you younger
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Love is in the air fryer.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?