A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle