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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
181.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
The photographer’s assistant
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.