[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok