You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.