Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this